


Six Difficult Conversations Alex Danvers Has

by brinshannara



Series: Time and Again [3]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-07 19:28:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8813293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brinshannara/pseuds/brinshannara
Summary: A closer look at six conversations Alex has through the end of 2x05 (Crossfire) and 2x06 (Changing), all dealing with her coming to terms with her orientation. You may want to read these beforehand:   Five Times Alex Looked at MaggieWhat We're Meant to Be





	1. What You Said... About Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first of six parts and deals with the talk between Alex and Maggie at the bar at the end of Crossfire.

She walked into the bar and immediately spotted Maggie sitting alone at a table, her back to the door. She saw her head tilt back and correctly made the assumption that Maggie had just taken a shot.

"I heard what happened," she said, approaching the detective. "You okay?"

Maggie had half-turned her head, not enough to look at Alex directly, but enough to acknowledge that she'd heard her. Alex walked over to stand opposite Maggie at the table.

"I've seen some crazy stuff since I joined the science force, but that was... uhm..." She shook her head. "That was..." she trailed off and looked up at Alex. "What're you... what're you doing here?" Maggie was acknowledging that they hadn't spoken or texted at all in a couple of days, not since they'd had the uncomfortable conversation wherein Maggie had thought Alex had been hitting on her.

Alex absorbed the acknowledgement quietly and looked at her carefully. "I was worried about you," she said, sincerely. It was true. She'd heard that the gang using the alien weapons had all suddenly dropped dead as the detective was preparing to transport them and knew that it had probably rattled Maggie. Even someone as strong as Maggie Sawyer would probably be unsettled by the sudden deaths of the prisoners.

"Look," she said, completely ignoring Alex's attempt to discuss the work situation. "I'm sorry if I was too forward the other day. That wasn't my place," Maggie apologized.

Alex took a breath. She was conflicted. She'd genuinely come by to see how Maggie was doing and kind of hoped they could avoid the topic of conversation from the other day. She wasn't done figuring things out and didn't feel entirely ready for a real conversation about it. But then, she reasoned, Maggie was gay. If anyone might be able to possibly help her out, it would be Maggie, wouldn't it?

So Alex took a seat across the table from Maggie and placed her forearms on the table, clasping her hands together so they wouldn't shake. She leaned in and began to speak.

"My whole life has been about being perfect. Perfect grades. Perfect job. Being the perfect sister. Taking care of Kara." She stated it all fairly matter-of-factly. She took a breath. "But," she admitted, "the one part of my life that I have **never** been able to make perfect... was dating."

Maggie smiled at that and gave a tiny nod. Not because it was funny. Not because she was making fun of Alex. It was a smile of resonance. Alex recognized it and appreciated it. And so the floodgates opened.

"I just never really liked it," she confessed. "I... I... I don't know, I mean, I, I tried, you know," she smiled. "I got, I got asked out," she underlined, feeling the need to convey to the woman across from her that she was no stranger to being asked out. Her eyes pulled away from Maggie's and she searched for the words to convey her experiences, her feelings. "I just, I never liked..." She took another breath. "Being intimate," she finished, quietly, looking right into Maggie's eyes. She shook her head, looking down. "I just... I don't know. I thought maybe that's just not the way that I was built, you know? Just not my thing." She paused. "I never, I never thought it was because of the other..." She idly scratched her temple. "That... that..." She laughed nervously. "Maybe I..." 

The words came to her and she didn't push them away. _'Maybe I'm gay,'_ she thought to herself, but she couldn't bring herself to say it, not even to Maggie. Not yet.

"I mean... I don't... I don't know. Now... now, I just, I can't... I can't stop thinking about..." She left the sentence unfinished and took a shaky breath.

"About what?" Maggie pressed, a reassuring smile and a solid gaze meeting her across the table, as if to say _'I'm here. It's okay.'_

Alex looked at her. Maggie raised an eyebrow encouragingly and Alex wanted desperately to say _'you'_. But she didn't. That would have been way too scary. The conversation was already scary enough.

"That maybe..." she looked down. "There's some truth," she flicked her eyes back up to Maggie's, "to what you said," she finished, giving Maggie a look.

"About?" the other woman prompted, quietly, giving her another chance to say the words.

Alex gave her a crooked smile. "What you said..." She pulled her eyes away from Maggie, unable to look at her as she finished the sentence. "About me." She allowed herself to drop her eyes back to meet the Latina's.

"Mmm hmm," Maggie responded, with a kind smile and a nod. Alex knew that in just about any other circumstance, Maggie would have taken the opportunity to say _'I told you so'_ , but she appreciated the other woman's kindness. Yes, Maggie had tried to get Alex to say the words, but she didn't press when Alex resisted. Alex wasn't quite ready to verbalize things just yet, but that was one of the amazing things about Maggie: she just _knew_. She just _understood_.

That level of understanding was almost enough to keep her at the bar, but having opened up so completely to Maggie left Alex feeling incredibly vulnerable and off-kilter. So, while looking deeply into Maggie's eyes, Alex somehow mustered the strength to leave. "I have to go," she said, quirking a grin. As she stood, she smiled quietly to herself for a moment, proud of having talked to Maggie, for having admitted things, even in obscure terms. "I'm glad you're okay," she said to Maggie, patting the table in front of her. Then Alex walked out of the bar, feeling exhausted and exhilarated, tired and proud, scared and excited, all at once.


	2. Maybe It's a Phase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conversation with Maggie in the bar, at the start of 2x06 (Changing). And, of course, some drunk!Kara, because that was epic.
> 
> Comments and kudos are love! <3

Alex walked into the bar, looking around. She noted Hank -- _J'onn_ \-- at the bar. That might have been Mon-El, drunkenly staggering towards the bar. And, oddly, Kara was here, sitting in a booth by herself.

"Hey," she said, approaching Kara, idly wondering why there was a ton of broken glass on the surface of the booth's table.

"Hey, hey!" she replied. "Hey, you look like my sister!" Kara said, grinning.

_'Oh my God, is she...?'_ Alex thought. "Are you slurring your words?" she asked, eyes narrowed, pointing at Kara, accusingly.

"Am I? Cho-co-late. Cho-co-late," her sister vocalized. She was definitely slurring her words.

Alex raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Wow. Kara Danvers, drunk. That's, that's a first," she said aloud, with a grin. "Hey, ha--"

She was interrupted by Kara's giggling.

"Wow," she repeated. "Well, hey, uhm, have you seen..." she started to ask, looking around. She trailed off as she spotted Maggie at one of the pool tables. She turned back to Kara. "You know... Don--..." she sputtered, before regaining control of her ability of speak. "I'm driving you home," she finally managed to get out, pointing at her sister, indicating she should not move.

"I'm not flying, that's for sure!" her sister replied, giggling, as Alex walked over towards Maggie.

Alex smiled as she approached the pool table, where Maggie was racking the balls.

"Danvers!" she exclaimed, carefully pulling the triangle up from the arrangement of billiard balls on the table. "You're alive!" she said, walking over to the nearby table and replacing the triangle.

"Yeah," Alex said, "uh, sorry."

"For what?" Maggie asked.

_'For dropping off the face of the earth?'_ Alex thought to herself, since they hadn't really spoken. "Well, for coming in here and dropping a bomb on you," she said, waving her hand towards the table where they'd chatted a few days ago.

Maggie smiled. "Well, it's not the first bomb that's ever been dropped on me," she replied.

_'Of course it isn't,'_ Alex reasoned to herself, suddenly wondering just how many other women had come out to Maggie. Or because of Maggie.

The cop walked around her to the other side of the pool table. "How are you doing... with all that?" she asked, picking the pool cue up off the table.

Alex was at a bit of a loss. "I just... I don't know what to do, now, you know? I mean, I'm almost thirty," she chuckled, "and I feel like a kid again!" It was true. It had taken a bit of time, to be sure, but Alex was finally starting to feel what she presumed most people felt when they were younger. She was starting to recognize when she found someone attractive instead of simply aesthetically appealing. She would notice women occasionally, would notice the way a woman moved as she walked, the curve of a hip, the way her hair would fall, framing her face. Now that she had admitted to herself that she was... She still had trouble saying it, even to herself. Regardless, she was starting to notice all kinds of women around her.

"Well, everyone's experience is different. I can only tell you what I did," Maggie said.

"Which was what?" Alex asked, desperate for some kind of guidance.

"I came out to my family," the other woman said.

_'Oh,'_ thought Alex and she wasn't certain she managed to keep the panicked look off her face. "How did they take it?" she asked, with a sigh, after glancing in Kara's direction.

"Well, uh, my dad isn't exactly known for his open-mindedness, but," she said, "he was pretty good." Maggie considered. "And so was my mom," she nodded.

Alex swallowed. Talking to Kara about it was one thing, but her mother? Oh, God, her mother. Despite the fact that their relationship had substantially improved over the last year, she winced internally at the thought of having to tell her mother that she was, in all likelihood... She sighed. The striving for perfection she'd talked to Maggie about, part of that had been at the insistence of her mother. Eliza Danvers was a strong, hard-working, determined woman and she had passed all of that down to Alex, in spades. It was her mother who had enforced Alex's views on perfection, getting the perfect grades, the perfect job, being the perfect sister to this brand-new person in their lives. It hadn't been that long ago that Alex genuinely feared seeing her mother without Kara as moral support and backup. She could only hope her mother would be okay with this new facet of her life, but, the more she considered it, the less appealing the prospect of telling her mother was.

She shook her head. "Maybe... maybe it's just a phase," she said to Maggie, grasping at straws. "You know? Maybe it isn't real," she said. It would certainly make life a lot easier if that were true.

Maggie was having precisely none of it. "No," she said, firmly, "it's real. You're real. And you deserve to have a real, full, happy life." She pinned Alex with a look. "Okay? Tell your family," she instructed her. "This is the biggest thing that's ever happened to you and you shouldn't have to do it alone."

Alex felt mildly ill. She knew Maggie was right. She did. But why did this have to be so huge and terrifying? Thank God Maggie was there to help.

"I have you," she said, smiling gratefully.

"Yeah, you do," Maggie replied. "And I'm good for a drink when you come out."

"You promise?" Alex said, in a tone that made it clear that, if she did it, she was definitely cashing in on that drink.

"Cross my heart," Maggie smiled.

Alex smiled back, unsteadily. She was almost relieved when her phone went off. She checked her phone and then caught J'onn's eye at the bar. "I have to go," she said, letting Maggie get back to her pool game while she and J'onn went to collect her very drunk little sister and head in to the DEO.


	3. Those Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the conversation where Alex comes out to Kara near the beginning of 2x06 (Changing).

Alex had spent the last day or so trying to figure out how to tell Kara. _'Tell your family,'_ she scoffed to herself, as she idly reviewed data from the Norwegian station. _'That's not terrifying or anything.'_

Still, she had been wanting to tell Kara about it. Ever since she'd told Kara about the DEO, the sisters had been closer than ever. It had felt so good not to keep things from Kara, to be open with her, free to discuss anything. Then this had happened and she'd felt as though she'd been hiding it from Kara for the last couple of weeks.

She chewed her lip. _'Come on, Danvers,'_ she said to herself. _'You're an elite agent who has been mind-controlled, kidnapped, beat up... you've even flown to space. You can talk to your little sister about your feelings, can't you?'_

Gathering her courage, she got up from her desk, and headed for the room Kara and Mon-El were using for training. Once there, Alex took a deep breath and opened the door to discover the two of them chatting.

"Kara, hey," she said, "can I talk to you? Alone?"

"Sure," Kara said. "Now?"

"Let me get changed, first," she said. "We can go for a walk." The last thing Alex needed was for the entire office to learn what she was going through. And even though she knew logically it wouldn't make much of a difference, the thought of coming out to Kara while her sister was in her Supergirl outfit struck her as profoundly absurd. A walk would ensure Kara was in street clothes, which would hopefully help the interaction be more normal. Well, as normal as something like that could be.

"Great, that'll give me the chance to finish up here," Kara said.

"Oh, no, no need," Mon-El said. "Please, feel free to take her," he said to Alex.

"See you in a few, Alex," her sister said, with a smile. She turned back to face her student. "Again," Kara instructed Mon-El, which caused the Daxamite to slump his shoulders.

Alex closed the door, heart pounding in her chest so hard she was surprised Kara hadn't commented on it, and went to the locker room to change.

Fifteen minutes later, she and Kara were walking alongside the harbour. It was brisk out, but the sunshine kept the chill off. Still, autumn was coming, as evidenced by the leaves in the trees starting to change colour. 

"So what's going on?" Kara asked, as they walked, side by side. "Something wrong?"

Alex looked up at Kara and then promptly back at the ground. "No, no, I, uhm," she cleared her throat, nervously. "I just, uh, wanted to talk to you about... something. Something... about me." Walking was good. She could naturally avoid Kara's eyes while they were walking. She wasn't sure she could stand it if Kara's reaction was anything other than positive, so it was best that they keep walking.

"Alex," her sister said, "whatever it is, you can tell me!" she assured her.

Alex looked back at Kara quickly, seeing her smiling, feeling the love and support radiating from her. She took a breath and looked away from Kara again. _'Here goes nothing,'_ she thought to herself.

"It's about Maggie," she said, before she could lose her nerve. It was about Maggie, really. That's how all of this had begun and that, Alex felt, was the best way to explain it to Kara. Just tell her what happened.

There was a pause. "Your cop friend?" Kara asked.

Alex nodded. "She and I started... working on... a couple... cases together..." She stumbled over the words. "And, and, you know, we started..." She took a breath. "Hanging out after work, and, and, you know, I, I, I, started..." She sighed. "Uhm." She exhaled. "Thinking... about her." She prayed that her sister would just get it, that it would click for Kara. It didn't.

"I don't know what that means," Kara said, with a small chuckle.

"I mean, uh," Alex said aloud, trying to find just the right words. She cleared her throat again. "I started to..." She took a breath. "Develop... feelings... for her," she said, finally, her hand falling open, for emphasis, as if offering that information to her sister. They took a couple of steps in silence. Alex gestured with her hand a bit, as if to prompt Kara to speak, but she didn't say anything. She then looked at Kara out of the corner of her eye, trying to gauge her sister's reaction, without actually stopping to turn and face her. The silence felt interminably long.

"Feelings." Kara repeated. "Like...?" Kara turned to look at Alex directly.

"Yeah," Alex said, nodding, turning her head to glance at Kara before turning away again, pointing at her in a way that conveyed confirmation. "Those, those..." She noticed Kara had stopped walking so she turned around to face her sister. "Those feelings." She looked at her sister. Kara's eyes were distant, she was looking up into the clear sky, visibly processing what she was hearing.

"Oh," she said, with understanding. She returned her gaze to meet Alex's.

"So," Alex continued, nervously, starting to pace, not ready to hear Kara's reaction quite yet. "Maggie thought that I should," she took a breath, "tell you," she said as Kara went to a nearby bench. "And so I, I did, I just, I just..." She exhaled, unable to really believe she'd finally told her sister. "Did." She was still nervous, but, she reasoned, the worst of it was over, right?

Kara sat down and looked up at Alex. "So... So she's gay?"

"Yeah," Alex nodded. She hadn't deliberately kept Maggie's orientation from Kara, but she hadn't volunteered it, she realized. In fact, probably only Winn actually knew, out of all of them.

"And are you saying... you're gay too?" Kara asked, drawing her back to the conversation at hand.

She exhaled. "I, I don't know, I'm just trying to make sense of it all. It's so... _**complicated**_." She paced a bit. And it was true. Alex didn't know what she was, exactly. She didn't know what label fit best. She was still working things out.

"Alex, it... it kind of sounds like you're coming out to me," Kara said, quietly.

Alex didn't look at her.

"Have you felt like this before?" she asked.

"Not like this," Alex said, shaking her head.

"Have you ever been with a girl?"

"No, never," she said, firmly, meeting Kara's eyes. It was important to her that Kara understand that this was still very new, that it wasn't as though she had been keeping this from her for years.

"Okay," Kara said, "what... what's different? I know you haven't been dating much lately--"

"Look, this isn't because I haven't found the right guy," she stressed.

"I never said it was!" Kara replied. "I'm just... I'm just trying to understand, okay?" Kara looked down at the ground.

Instantly, she felt badly. "You know," Alex said, opening up, trying to share what she was going through with her sister. "I'm up all night, just thinking about it," she said. "And if I'm being honest? You know? I realize that, that... maybe I've had thoughts like this before." She sat down next to Kara. "You, you remember my best friend in high school, Vicki Donahue?"

"Yeah, I remember Vicki," Kara said, nodding. "You guys had a really bad falling out, right?" she asked.

"I used to love... sleeping over at her house," Alex admitted, quietly, looking out across the harbour, remembering the comfort she'd felt at her friend's. "In her room. In..." She paused. "In her bed," she sighed. "I think, uh, I think I felt something... then," she confessed. "And, it scared me. You know? Because, because the next thing I know, I'm, I'm fighting with her over something so stupid and we just... we just drifted apart." Looking back on things, over the last few days, Alex had realized that she'd been the one to instigate the fight that had essentially ended their friendship. That she had been the one who had pushed Vicki away. That she had felt an imbalance in their friendship. She had been aware that she'd felt more strongly for Vicki than her friend did for her and the only other thing she understood about her feelings was that they had terrified her.

"I... I shoved that memory down so deep inside that... it's like it never happened." Other memories, other situations, had presented themselves as she'd spent time reflecting. "I'm remembering stuff, like that, now," she told Kara. Unbidden, memories of hugs that she wished had lasted longer, unexplained bursts of what she now understood was jealousy and more came to the surface.

"So... Are, are you and Maggie like, um...? I mean, do you know if she likes you?"

"Uh, no, I..." It was too much. She felt too vulnerable. There was too much to process. Too many memories. Too many questions she didn't have the answers to. "I don't really want to talk about it anymore," she said, standing up.

"Alex..." Kara said, imploringly.

But she walked away, her thoughts and feelings a total mess. Kara hadn't reacted badly, but she hadn't embraced her with open arms, either. She sighed, heavily. She'd half-expected, and certainly hoped, that Kara would just be okay with it. That her sister would hug her and tell her she loved her and that everything was going to be okay. Her eyes filled with tears. Sure, she'd told Kara, but if that's what she was supposed to do, then why did she feel more alone in this than ever?


	4. You've Been Weird Ever Since I Told You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex tries to clear things up with Kara. Second Alex & Kara conversation from 2x06 (Changing), plus a little extra at the start and at the end. Comments and kudos are love! <3

_'Kara isn't okay with it,'_ Alex reasoned to herself, shortly after Kara had left to go home and recover after she had been partly drained by whatever parasite was inhabiting Dr. Jones.

It was the only reasonable conclusion. Once she'd told her sister, Kara hadn't been her usual, sunny self. And then in the lab, it was as though she couldn't get out of the DEO quickly enough. Couldn't get away from Alex quickly enough.

They'd never discussed matters of sexual orientation. And why should they have? It never came up. They'd talked about boys and flirting and first kisses and dates and such, because those were things that happened as they'd grown up together. Not once had they actually talked about someone being a lesbian, or being gay, bisexual or transgender.

Alex chewed her lip. _'Maybe,'_ she thought, _'maybe it's against her Kryptonian values?'_ It made sense. Kara had lived on Krypton during her most formative years. Alex considered what she knew. Kara was almost certainly straight, based on what she'd witnessed as they'd grown up. Clark was with Lois, so he was likely straight. Kara's parents, Zor-El and Alura, were married to each other, as were Non and Astra. Clark's parents, Jor-El and Lara made up a third mixed-sex couple. There were no same-sex couples in her limited repertoire of Kryptonians.

But the scientist in her wondered if this wasn't all just wild speculation. She needed evidence to prove her hypothesis and wished she could just do a database search at the DEO to find out. But that would be risky. It would be better if she could just ask someone. But who? Clark? _'That wouldn't be awkward at all...'_ she thought to herself, sarcastically. And then it dawned on her. She could ask Alura. Or, rather, Alura's hologram. She sprang into action. With just a few adjustments, she ensured that the hologram would respond to her. She felt moderately bad about it, but what other choice did she have? Kara didn't want to talk to her. And if she knew for a fact that Kryptonians were morally opposed to homosexuality, at least she could maybe begin to understand Kara's rejection of her.

Alex opened the door to the chamber with confidence. That was the key to doing anything you weren't supposed to be doing, after all -- project confidence. She shut and locked the door behind her and tapped at a panel to activate the hologram. The projected image of Alura shimmered into existence in the center of the room.

"Alura, it's Alex," she addressed the image of her sister's mother.

"Alex. Alexandra Danvers. Foster sister to Kara. How may I help you, Alexandra?"

She could not believe she was about to ask this of a Kryptonian hologram, but she went for it anyway. "Alura, is there -- were there -- any..." She trailed off. Homosexuals? Gay people? "Were there any Kryptonians who were gay?"

"Most Kryptonians were joyful," the hologram replied.

Alex closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. She sighed. "Alura, was homosexuality part of the Kryptonian culture?" she tried.

"There is no Kryptonian word for homosexuality. Please define it."

Alex exhaled. "Homosexuality is..." She paused, trying to phrase it in a way that the hologram would get it. "It's when a person prefers their own gender to the opposite gender," she said. "Sexually," she added. "Was there a Kryptonian term for this behaviour?"

"No such term exists in the Kryptonian language."

"Great," muttered Alex. "Thanks, Alura."

"You are welcome, Alexandra," the projection answered, missing the sarcasm entirely.

Alex shut off the hologram and left the room, returning to her office to reprogram the hologram back to only allowing access to Kara. As she did so, the one thought left ringing in her mind was that homosexuality wasn't a thing on Krypton, so of course Kara would be freaked out by it. It wasn't normal for Kryptonians. Hell, it was barely viewed as normal for humans, or else she might have been able to accept her own feelings much sooner.

Armed with that knowledge, Alex decided to go to Kara's. It was time to get all of this out into the open.

She arrived at Kara's not twenty minutes later and used her key. She wasn't going to give Kara the opportunity to fly out the window by announcing her arrival. She entered the apartment and saw Kara sitting on the couch, a large bowl of popcorn on the table beside her, a favourite romantic comedy of hers on the television.

It wasn't until she actually shut the door that Kara turned around, startled. She looked at her sister directly and Kara looked back. She looked... sad, maybe? Certainly, this was not her normal, cheerful self, even after accounting for the fight at the university.

She set her bag down and watched as Kara turned off the television and had one last bite of popcorn. She walked over towards the living area.

"I said I was fine," Kara said, not at all convincingly. "You didn't need to check on me." Her sister looked down at the coffee table, avoiding Alex's gaze.

She swallowed. "I'm not checking on you," she said. She took a breath. "You've been weird ever since I told you," she informed Kara.

Her sister looked back up at her. "I don't mean to be," she said, defensively.

"Kara, I know when you're sad," she argued. "Or when you're disappointed." She steeled herself. "I don't know what I would do if you were disappointed in me," she said, her emotions coming to the surface.

"I would never be disappointed in you!" Kara retorted, shifting on the sofa to face Alex directly. "But you said you didn't want to talk about it anymore!"

"Well I do if, if, if you're not okay with it!" Alex shot back.

"I am SO okay with it!" Kara said, firmly.

Alex was taken aback. She hadn't expected this, not at all. She stood there, looking at Kara, at a loss for words.

Kara sighed. "Sit down," she instructed Alex.

She hesitated. Part of her wanted to run. She was torn, wanting to discuss things openly and not wanting to do so at all. She knew she couldn't keep feeling so alone in all of this, but talking about it was so hard. Dredging up those memories, those feelings, answering those questions, it was draining and difficult. But if Kara was okay with it...

"Alex," she said, softly. "Come and talk with me," she pleaded, moving a pillow out of the way on the couch.

Alex sat down, with a sigh.

"I... I think I owe you an apology," her sister said, staring at the floor.

Alex looked at her. "For what?"

"For not... creating an environment where you felt like you could talk about this with me?" She turned to face Alex.

Alex shifted on the couch, uncomfortable.

"All those years we spent together, growing up, the endless nights, talking and sharing... now I realize that they were all about me and my secret," she said. "There's never been room for you," Kara said. "And that's my fault. And I am so sorry," she said, eyes welling up with tears.

"You didn't do anything wrong," Alex said, shaking her head, but now understanding what had happened. Kara had been acting weird, not because she disapproved, but because she blamed herself for not being there for Alex the way Alex had been there for her.

"And I know, I know this is not the same at all, but..." Kara said, "I do know how it feels to keep... a part of yourself shut off." She looked at Alex. "To keep it inside. And I know how lonely that can make you feel."

Alex nodded, her own eyes filled with tears. It was true. She had never felt so alone in her life when she felt she couldn't talk to Kara about this.

"But Alex," Kara said, "you are not alone," she said, insistently.

A gasp of emotion escaped from Alex. This was what she'd been hoping for. She turned away from Kara, trying not to cry, turning back after a moment. "I can't do this without you," she said, simply. It was the truth. She had been alone in so many things in her life -- keeping Kara's secret, losing her father, avoiding these feelings, being recruited into the DEO and now actively dealing with these feelings instead of avoiding them. She couldn't go through this alone.

"You don't have to," Kara said, kindly, smiling.

The relief Alex felt was palpable, but she was still a teary-eyed mess, until Kara spoke again.

"So what about Maggie? What's she like?"

Alex smiled hugely, looking away, thinking of the detective. She sniffled. "I, uh..." she said, "I just like her so much!" she said, quickly. "You know?" She turned to smile at Kara. "She's so... she's smart," she said, turning away again, wiping tears from her eyes. "And she's... she's tough and she's just..." Alex closed her eyes. "Beautiful," she whispered. She turned back to Kara and opened her eyes again. "She's so beautiful," she whispered. It felt so good to say it, out loud. To someone else. To Kara, in particular. And Kara gazed back at her, lightly stroking her hair.

"So are you," she said, simply, before pulling Alex into a hug.

It took a second, but Alex relaxed into the embrace. It was okay. Kara was really okay with it. She sighed with relief and clung to her sister. This was what she had hoped for before they'd gone on their walk. This warmth and unconditional love and acceptance was what she had needed and she hadn't realized how much she had needed it until she thought for sure she'd never have it.

They sat there together, holding each other, and then Alex's phone interrupted the moment, causing the two women to laugh.

Reluctantly, they separated and, still chuckling, Alex pulled her phone from her back pocket.

"Ugh," she groaned, "DEO is reporting an alien attacking civilians in an alleyway downtown," she said, wiping the last of the tears away.

"I'll go get the alien," Kara said. "You get the girl," she said, lightly hitting her sister in the shoulder, then got up to go change.

Alex paused to let that sink in and then she laughed. _'So this is what it's going to be like,'_ she thought to herself. _'I could get used to this.'_

Moments later, Kara, in full Supergirl regalia, was getting ready to go. She stepped up to the window.

"Kara?" Alex asked. "Can I ask you something before you go?"

"Of course," her sister said, coming back towards the sofa.

"Were there gay people on Krypton?"

Kara laughed. "Yes, there were," she smiled.

"Really?" Alex was surprised.

She nodded. "But like..." she considered. "There wasn't really a word for it. We didn't distinguish between people who loved people of the same gender or opposite gender or even both genders," she said, shrugging. "I always thought Earth was weird like that, with this stubborn insistence that love and marriage are only for opposite-sex couples. Silly primitive culture," she grinned.

Alex laughed. "All right, go on. Go get that alien," she said, making a shooing motion.

"Go get that girl," Kara replied, with a brilliant smile. And then she was gone.

Alex beamed as she stood up and grabbed her bag. While she'd go back to the DEO to deal with the alien parasite thing, she was already planning out how she'd tell Maggie that she'd told Kara. She was **definitely** cashing in on that promise of a drink.


	5. I Have Been Wanting to Do That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My look at Alex kissing Maggie in 2x06 (Changing) with some extra stuff before and after.

Alex's phone buzzed and that was enough to wake her from her light sleep. Blearily, she reached over to her nightstand and picked up her phone, looking to see what urgent issue she was being texted about. The first thought in her head was that J'onn's condition had suddenly deteriorated. She forced herself to focus on the seemingly extra-bright screen and then smiled as she saw it had been Maggie who had sent the text.

"Hey, Danvers. Hope you've recovered from the craziness that was happening downtown last night. Were you even there? I spent all day today working to clean up and analyze the... well, for lack of a better term, goop, that the parasite's explosion deposited over a full three-block radius. Totally gross, but at least the levels of radioactivity were well within safety limits, so I'm told. Anyway, if you're free, come on down to the bar tonight. You can tell me all about this Guardian guy -- I'm assuming he's with you guys -- and, most importantly, I'd like another chance to win my money back. ;)"

She checked the time on her phone. It was nearly five. That meant she had slept for maybe six hours after getting home. She hadn't even planned on coming home and had tried arguing with him to tell him that she could catch a nap at the DEO, but he had essentially ordered her to go home and get some rest. M'gann had assured her that she would stay with him for a while and, ultimately, that's what had convinced her, despite J'onn's probable joke about writing her up for insubordination.

So, exhausted, Alex had trudged home and fallen into bed, until Maggie's text had woken her. She lay there in bed, warm and comfortable, and debated going back to sleep for a bit. But the possibility of seeing Maggie was too tempting. Not only did she absolutely want to see the other woman, but, she smiled, she could also tell her that she'd told Kara.

Alex got out of bed.

After a shower, during which she reflected how much had changed since she had first met the detective, and a quick bite to eat, Alex headed to the bar. Now a regular there, she wasn't even challenged at the door. She smiled at the bouncer and walked through the interior door to the bar itself, looking for a familiar figure.

She saw her from across the room, playing pool by herself, wearing a simple white button-down shirt, with its sleeves rolled up. Her hair was loose around her face and Maggie studied the table seriously, looking for her next shot. Alex smiled, happy to see her. And with the smile came a touch of nervousness flaring up from her stomach. _'Butterflies,'_ she identified. What amazed her the most about coming to terms with her attraction to women was that she was now able to properly identify feelings she had felt before. Looking back, she realized that she had felt butterflies with women previously -- Vicki prime amongst them. She had never put two and two together, though, never really figuring out that "butterflies in the stomach" meant what she'd been experiencing, simply because she'd never even _considered_ she could have them with women. She hadn't even figured it out when she'd first met Maggie, but since she'd accepted her attraction and feelings for the Latina, there was definitely no mistaking the butterflies she felt around her.

"Hey Maggie," she said, approaching the table, still smiling.

"Danvers!" the other woman said, with a huge grin. "Hey! I was hoping you'd turn up." She gestured at the table. "Any interest in a game?"

Her smile always undid Alex. It was beautiful and amazing and Alex had to struggle to focus on what she wanted to say.

"Well, actually, I was wondering if you were still good for that drink you promised me," Alex said, trying so very hard to sound cool and nonchalant about things. She stood, somewhat awkwardly, hoping she looked cooler than she felt, but pretty certain she was failing miserably. Maggie just had that effect on her.

The detective looked at her for a moment. "You told Kara?" she asked, comprehension dawning on her.

All Alex could do was grin and nod.

"Yeah you did!" Maggie exclaimed, walking over to her, putting the cue stick down on the table. "I'm so happy for you!" she said, throwing her arms around Alex's neck, hugging her tightly.

The only thing Alex wanted to do was to stay there, in that moment, for the rest of her days. Holding another woman, holding _Maggie_ like this, it felt so good, so right. The warmth of her body in her arms, it was like nothing she'd ever really felt before, not really. For the first time in her life, she was truly cognizant of the attraction she felt for someone and she was amazed how that could change even a simple hug. She was vaguely aware that she was smiling like a lunatic, but her eyes were closed and Maggie was hugging her tightly and she could smell the shampoo in the other woman's hair and all was right with Alex's world. "Yeah," she said, softly.

Too soon, Maggie pulled away. "I'm buying, all night. What're you having?" she asked as she turned to head for the bar.

_'You,'_ Alex wanted to say. Craving contact, she pulled gently on Maggie's forearm as she was walking away, causing the other woman to spin back around, almost comically, at which point Alex finally, finally cupped Maggie's face in her hands and pressed her lips to the other woman's. She kissed her tenderly, pouring her feelings into the kiss, revelling in the softness of Maggie's lips and skin. The lack of stubble was new to Alex, and a pleasant surprise. But it was feeling Maggie's lips move against hers that was a thrill like no other she'd ever felt. Their lips broke away from one another's for a moment and Alex, eyes still closed, pushed forward to kiss her again, when Maggie pulled away.

Alex let her hands fall from Maggie's face and opened her eyes to see Maggie looking up at her, stunned. "Wow," she said, softly, with a smile.

"I have been wanting to do that," Alex confessed softly, as she gazed into Maggie's eyes, her defenses against this beautiful woman completely gone. On some level, she had been wanting to kiss her since the moment Maggie Sawyer had invaded her crime scene at the airport and she'd first felt what she now knew was what people referred to as chemistry. And she wanted to kiss Maggie again. And again. And again.

"Yeah," Maggie said, looking down, "I can tell." She returned her gaze to Alex and something suddenly felt off, the feeling intensifying when Maggie took a step back.

"Was that not okay?" Alex asked, suddenly confused. Had she broken some secret lesbian rule? Had she crossed a line? Had she read Maggie completely wrong? The smiles, the hanging out, holding hands at the fight club, the hug they'd just had, even the kiss. _'She kissed me back,'_ came the thought, and it was this thought she clung to while the doubts swirled in her mind.

"You didn't do anything wrong," she said, shaking her head with a smile. But it wasn't the right smile. Alex could feel it.

"But something's wrong," she pressed, forcing a smile.

"Well, we're... at really different places," the detective began. Alex nodded in agreement. "And," Maggie continued, "everything is changing for you."

That was also true and Alex wasn't going to deny it. The kiss had her feeling giddy. This was what all of her female friends, Kara included, had talked about when they'd talked about their first kiss. This feeling of euphoria, of being able to do anything, of everything feeling perfect. So yes, everything was changing for her and she smiled widely in acknowledgement.

"And everything's going to feel really heightened and... shiny." She chuckled. "And, uhm, you should experience that for yourself," she said, "not just to be with me."

Alex found herself nodding at the very reasonable words coming out of Maggie Sawyer's beautiful mouth, but she wasn't exactly sure what the other woman was getting at.

"I mean, I shouldn't get involved with someone who's just fresh off the boat," Maggie continued. "Those... those relationships never really work out." Maggie was smiling and Alex tried valiantly to keep her own smile intact. "I'm here for you," she said, sincerely, eyes locked with Alex's, "but as a friend," she finished, with another smile.

_'A friend.'_ Alex's heart cracked and she was surprised it hadn't done so audibly. Realizing Maggie was still looking at her, she nodded. "Mm hmm," was all she could manage to get out.

"Are we cool?" Maggie asked, a look of concern on her face.

"Yeah," Alex replied, wondering how quickly she could leave. She couldn't stay and play pool and have drinks with her. All she wanted to do was to get away. And possibly never see Maggie ever again.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, no, no, we're, we're, we're cool," she forced herself to say. Without another word, she turned away from Maggie and walked towards the exit.

"Alex, don't go," Maggie called after her.

She half-turned towards Maggie. "I'll see ya," she said, before turning back, aware that the promise was likely to be broken.

She tried desperately to hold back her tears as she stormed out of the bar into the alleyway. She got on her bike, pulled on her helmet and drove straight home.

Helmet in hand, she walked up to her apartment. Once she'd entered, she draped her jacket over the armchair, put her helmet in its place on the shelf in the closet and then she went for the whiskey. She poured herself a healthy shot of the alcohol and downed it immediately, before pouring herself another. She recovered her phone from her jacket pocket and checked it as she sat down on her couch.

A single text from Kara. Nothing from Maggie. She scoffed and turned the display off, tossing it haphazardly on to the table. She took a large mouthful of the whiskey and winced as it burned its way down her throat.

_'How could I have been so stupid?'_ she demanded of herself. She found herself regretting everything, absolutely everything that had happened since she'd met the other woman.

It was painful in a way she'd never experienced before. She brought the glass back up to her lips and tipped it back, swallowing the rest of the alcohol. Alex put the glass down on the table in front of her and went to the kitchen to get the bottle. She came back to the couch and poured herself another shot.

"How dare she do this to me?" she asked, aloud. She took a sip of the whiskey. "How dare she tell me that I'm... gay?" she voiced. "That I'd be surprised how many gay women don't actually think they're gay." She scoffed and had another sip. "She made me feel this way," she muttered, though she knew in her heart that she'd felt that way about many women in her past. "She made me admit to feeling this way," she corrected, angrily. She took another mouthful of the whiskey. "I was fine before she came along," she said. "She made me come out to Kara, for God's sake." She took another sip. "And that could have gone badly."

Another sip. "She kissed me back."

She tried to take another drink and the whiskey was gone. Irritably, she poured herself a larger serving, taking a gulp. "Who does that?!" she demanded. "Who is that supportive and that kind and kisses you back and then, and then has the nerve to tell you she's there for you, but 'as a friend'?"

The tears threatened to spill out of her eyes and Alex savagely blinked them back.

No, she wasn't going to do this. She wasn't going to embrace this new life. She wasn't going to come out to everyone. She was just going to go back to the basics of who she was. She was Alex Danvers, Kara's older sister. She was Alex Danvers, special agent with the DEO. That had been enough for a long time and it would be enough again. She didn't need this complication. She didn't need to feel vulnerable. She didn't need to feel pain that was somehow worse than getting beat up by an alien. She didn't need to know what she had been missing all of her life.

Most of all, she did not need Maggie Sawyer.


	6. I Should Have Kept My Mouth Shut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kara checks in on Alex at the end of 2x06 (Changing) and they chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the hardest one of these to write. Huge thanks to **taintedidealist** for the beta and helpful notes!
> 
> This ends this particular series of short fics. I still have seven scenes I want to do this for, so more will be coming. Comments and kudos are love! <3 Thanks for reading. :)

Alex had ignored seven text messages and two phone calls. She shouldn't have been surprised when Kara came knocking at her door, but all she wanted was to be alone.

"Alex? Alex, I can see you in there!" Kara said from the other side of the door. "Let me in, please!" she begged.

"Go away, Kara," Alex replied, swirling the amber liquid around in her glass. She'd lost track of how much she'd had to drink. It occurred to her that it was probably a bad sign, but she didn't care. She just wanted to stop hurting, to stop thinking and she hadn't had enough to drink to achieve that yet.

So when she heard the telltale whoosh outside her balcony, she cursed inwardly. _'Dammit.'_

Kara walked into her apartment, uninvited. "What's going on?" she demanded, striding into the living area. She stood in front of the fireplace, looking directly at Alex.

"Nothing," Alex replied, "nothing is going on. You shouldnta come over here." Nothing that she wanted to talk about, at any rate.

"Well, you, you didn't show up for work and that's not like you, so I, I got worried," Kara said, defensively.

 _'Work,'_ Alex thought. _'J'onn.'_ "You're right," she said, looking at her glass longingly. "I should, uh, I should go in." She sat up and reluctantly put her glass down on the coffee table in front of her.

"Wait... wait!" Kara said. "Something is clearly wrong."

Alex stood. "Everything is fine," she said, firmly, trying just a little too hard to convince her sister that all was well when, in fact, it wasn't. But work would be good. It would get her out of her head, give her something to focus on, something that wasn't _her_.

"Is this about you coming out?" The question surprised her.

"No," she said, adamantly. She turned to face her sister. "And just forget I said anything about it, okay? Forget it," Alex ordered Kara, with a large sweep of her arm for emphasis.

"Why? Wha..." Kara sighed. "What does that mean?" she asked, the confusion evident on her face.

"It means," Alex said a little too loudly, "that I made a mistake! 'kay? I was wrong," she said, pacing. "And I shouldnta said anything. I shoulda just..." She paused, trying to keep it together. "Kept my mouth shut." Her voice broke at the end of the phrase. Head bowed, she kept pacing. She just wanted it to stop. She just wanted Kara to leave. She just wanted to never think about Maggie Sawyer ever again.

"What happened?" Kara asked, quietly.

Alex scoffed, disgusted with herself, with her display of weakness. She stopped pacing. "She doesn't like me," she said, facing Kara. "Like that." Saying it out loud was worse than sitting on her couch, ruminating about it. A soft gasp of emotion escaped from her as the tears began. Alex sat back down on the couch, defeated.

Kara was at her side and wrapped her arms around her sister. "Come here," she said, quietly.

"I'm so," she sobbed, "so hu-humiliated." She brought her hand up to cover her face, not wanting to be seen like this. She didn't want Kara to see her like this. She didn't want anyone to see her like this.

"No, no," Kara said, soothingly, holding her close. "I'm proud of you," she said, simply.

Alex shook her head and waved off the words dismissively. But Kara's arms held her tightly. And reassuringly. And lovingly. And all Alex could do was cry and cling to her sister.

They sat like that for a while, until the sobs subsided and the tears stopped flowing. Kara turned and kissed Alex's head before getting up. She returned with a box of tissues and handed a couple to Alex, who smiled gratefully. She blew her nose and wiped her eyes and sighed, heavily. Kara came back to the couch, with a tall glass of water. "Drink," she said.

Alex frowned as she took the glass and realized her sister had taken away the whiskey. _'Probably not the worst idea in the world,'_ she thought to herself as she took a large mouthful of cold water. She swallowed and then took a deep, cleansing breath. "Thanks."

Kara sat back down next to her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Alex mumbled.

"It might help," she said, softly.

Alex leaned back into the sofa, her head resting on its back, causing her to look up at the ceiling. "I kissed her," she said, simply.

"Oh, Alex," breathed Kara. "And it didn't go well? I'm so sorry."

She closed her eyes, remembering. "Kara, it was the most amazing feeling in the entire world. It felt so _good_. Holding her close. Kissing her softly. Feeling her lips move against mine..." She sighed.

"Wait, did she... kiss you back?" Kara asked.

"Yeah," Alex said, opening her eyes and sitting up. "She did."

"I'm confused," her sister said.

"Hah," chuckled Alex, "so am I." She took a breath. "She kissed me back. Then pulled away. Said we were in different places. That I'm fresh off the boat and that those relationships never really work out."

"Oh," Kara said, reaching out for Alex's hand, squeezing it lightly.

"Well, it doesn't matter anyway," she said.

"Why not?"

Alex took another sip of water. "Because," she said, "that's it."

Her sister blinked. "What's it?"

She sighed and let go of Kara's hand and put the water down on the coffee table before she stood up. She considered going for the whiskey in the kitchen, but decided against it. "I'm not doing this."

Kara frowned. "Alex, what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about this, Kara," she said. "I'm talking about falling for a woman. About dating. About this kind of heartbreak. This sick feeling in my stomach. This pain in my chest that I can't seem to dull," she explained, eyes brimming with tears again.

"Alex..."

"No, you know what? I'm done. I've been your sister and a DEO agent and that's been enough. It'll be enough again," she said, pacing in front of the fireplace. "You know? I don't need this! Why should I make myself vulnerable? Why should I let someone in, someone who could hurt me like this?" She angrily wiped tears from her face with the sleeve of her shirt. "No, that's it. I'm done with this. If this is what I was missing out on... No thanks. I'll pass. I'll focus on family and work."

"Alex, just because Maggie's not smart enough to want to date you doesn't mean you should just give up on all this progress you've made," Kara said, gently.

"I've made it almost thirty years without needing that kind of relationship," Alex argued, hands on her hips. "This was all a mistake," she said. "I have you, I have Mom. We'll find Dad, I know we will," she said turning to look at his picture on the mantle. "I don't need anyone else." She folded her arms across her chest.

Kara stood and put her hand on Alex's back, rubbing gently. "Alex... Do you really think Jeremiah wants this for you? Wants you to be buried in work? Never knowing what happiness is out there, waiting for you? Never even trying to make that kind of connection?"

At the mention of her father's name, the tears began anew. "Dammit, Kara, you know that's not fair," she whispered.

"He would want you to find happiness," she said, simply.

Alex shook her head. "Pretty sure he wouldn't want me to feel like this," she shot back. "This isn't happiness," she said, angrily.

Kara gripped her shoulder and turned her sister around to face her.

"Alex," she said, softly.

"What?" she snapped.

"Look at me."

Alex looked up at Kara, her brow furrowed, her arms still folded across her chest, tears still streaming down her cheeks.

"Alex, you have such a capacity for love," she said. "You were saddled with me after a lifetime of being an only child, but you... you didn't resent me. You let me in. You showed me what being a sister meant."

The older woman said nothing.

"You loved me. Openly. Without reservation." Kara smiled at her sister. "Your heart is so big, Alex. You can love so much. You shouldn't keep that hidden."

Alex remained silent.

"Feeling like this... it's a risk," Kara said. "It's a risk you take to find that happiness." She sighed. "I'm not saying it's not hard. I'm not saying you won't ever feel like this again. But what I _am_ saying is that you shouldn't let this pain stop you from trying to find that happiness."

"I'm fine, Kara, I don't need all that other stuff," Alex said, uncrossing her arms and walking away. She stood at the bar, hands splayed across the countertop. She didn't need the pain. And she barely even knew what happiness she might be missing out on, so that was no great loss.

"So you're going to break your promise to me?"

Alex frowned. She didn't need any more prompting to bring up the memory of their tearful goodbye from when Kara had flown Fort Rozz into outer space to save National City, but Kara continued as she walked up behind Alex. "You promised me that you'd find love. And be happy. And do all the things that my being your sister kept you from doing." She squeezed Alex's shoulder, lightly. "You've made so much progress, Alex. You've discovered who you are, who you're meant to be," she said. "And I am so, so proud of you. You're so strong." She pulled Alex into her arms and held her close. "Are you really going to break your promise to me?"

Alex cracked, bringing her arms up and holding on to her, burying her face in her sister's shoulder. "It hurts so much, Kara," she sobbed.

"I know," she said, soothingly, "I know." She stroked Alex's hair gently. "But that's part of life," she said, softly. "And it's the whole reason chocolate was invented, I'm pretty sure."

Alex managed a small laugh and held her sister closer, her breath becoming more regular. "How could she do this to me?" she murmured. "Launch me on this... path... and be there for me and then... not want to be with me?"

Kara led her back to the couch. "I'm not sure. I thought you said she was smart?"

"She is," Alex said, "she's so smart." She rolled her eyes at herself. "I can't believe I'm defending her."

"Well, she can't be that smart if she doesn't want to be with you," Kara said, matter-of-factly. "Do you want me to put the fear of Supergirl into her?"

Alex laughed. "Kara."

"Ooh, or I could drop her in the middle of the Sahara!"

"Kara..."

"Or... OR on the top of Mount Everest?" she asked, hopefully.

She chuckled.

"Oh, I know! I'll abandon her at the Fortress!"

"Kara!"

"I'm sure Clark won't mind."

Alex laughed heartily, envisioning Maggie stuck in the Arctic. "Oh, God, Kara."

Her sister looked at her, eyes twinkling. "Made you laugh."

"You always will," Alex said, smiling.

Kara smiled at her. "So. Are we agreed that, even though this sucks, you won't let this stop you from finding your happiness?"

Alex looked at her with a sigh. "You're not gonna let this go, are you?" she asked.

"Not a chance."

"You'll be there for me?"

"Always," her sister said, reassuringly.

She took a deep breath. "Then," she said, quietly, "let's say that I won't rule out the possibility."

Kara scrutinized her sister. "That's probably the best I'm going to get from you right now, right?"

Alex nodded. 

"Then I guess that'll have to do," Kara smiled. "Now, my duty, as I understand it, is to go get comfort food and, of course, help you eat it all. Potstickers, obviously. Pizza too. Chocolate. Ice cream. Chocolate ice cream?" She listed various items and ticked them off on her fingers.

Alex smiled. "I trust you."

Kara grinned and stood from the couch, taking off her glasses and handing them to Alex. Within a moment, she stood there as Supergirl. She walked towards the balcony door. She paused and turned. "Alex?"

"Hm?" Alex turned.

"I meant what I said."

"About?"

"Being proud of you. You inspire me."

Alex smiled, tears welling up in her eyes once more. "Thank you," she said, quietly.

Kara smiled back. "Anytime." She paused. "Are you _sure_ I can't just scare the crap out of Maggie? Just once?" She looked hopeful.

"Kara!" laughed Alex.

"Okay, okay," she complained, good-naturedly. "Back in a few." She stepped out onto the balcony and then was gone.

Alex took a deep breath. This was pretty much the worst she'd felt in a long time. And yet, she'd still managed to laugh. Kara wasn't going to let her go through this, or anything else, alone. She nodded to herself. At the worst, she figured, she could always take up Kara on her offers to strand anyone who broke her heart in various remote locations. She smiled. Maybe she could do this after all.

But first, she reasoned, she had to get over Maggie Sawyer.


End file.
